


Holding Together

by twisting_vine_x



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Cuddling, Developing Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Fai doesn’t do well with not being able to talk, Falling In Love, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Kurogane!POV, Lovebites, M/M, Making Out, Mental Health Issues, Tsubasa Family Feels, Yama Country, leaning how to communicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 04:04:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5275853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twisting_vine_x/pseuds/twisting_vine_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A/N: I just finished reading TRC and TWC, and I ship these two darlings so hard it causes me emotional distress.</p><p>-  - -</p><p>
  <i>It’s the middle of the day. They don’t do this in the daylight.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>It doesn’t seem to matter, though. And when Fai closes his eyes and starts to drift off, resting against his chest like he never wants to move again, Kurogane just presses in closer and holds on tight.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>They’re not safe. As long as they’re trapped here, they’ll never be safe.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But, maybe, even for just for a few minutes, Kurogane can enjoy the illusion that they are.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Together

**Author's Note:**

> (CW for Fai’s suicidal tendencies, though I definitely promise that this ends on a happy note.)

It only takes a couple of weeks for Fai to start cracking around the edges.

Kurogane can see it, clear as anything. He can see the way Fai’s starting to crumble. Two weeks here, without even the ability to talk to each other, and Fai’s smiles – those damnable, constant smiles of his – are starting to pull thin. And he’s a fool if he thinks he’s actually managing to hide it.

Kurogane should have probably seen this coming right from the very start, though. Fai never stops talking, after all. But Kurogane hadn’t realized just _how_ dependant the mage was on words.

They have a tent together. Thankfully, the army hadn’t tried to split them up, and hadn’t decided to imprison them. Instead, Kurogane had managed to negotiate their place in the army. He might not be anywhere close to fluent in whatever the people here are speaking, but there had been enough similarities to his own language for him to get the point across. And now they’re trapped here, just the two of them, with their suddenly black eyes, and with all these horrible endless silences between them. For the first while, Fai had kept on talking to him, smiling like it was funny, like he knew damn well that Kurogane didn’t understand a word, but he was still going to keep talking, anyway; but even that’s starting to taper off. More and more, Fai’s just started talking to himself. It’s making Kurogane’s skin crawl.

They can’t stay here. They need to find the kids, and he needs to get Fai out of this world.

He can’t, though. Without Mokona, they’re trapped.

And that’s not the only reason he misses the little meat bun. He hadn’t realized just how much he’d started to care, until they were all separated. The thought of Sakura and Syaoran and Mokona all lost somewhere – maybe trapped somewhere, just the same as he and Fai – is enough to steal his breath. He needs to find them, and keep them safe. He needs to keep all of them safe.

But what if he and Fai are trapped here forever?

It’s not impossible. They can’t move worlds without Mokona. What if they’re forever trapped on this endless battlefield, without even the ability to talk to each other?

He can’t think like that, though. Thinking like that won’t do him any good.

But Fai, maybe, isn’t the only one who’s fraying at the edges. Kurogane is going to keep it together – he has to, for the sake of everyone that he needs to protect – but he can feel everything wearing on him, too. It’s like a constant pressure, pushing him down, that he can never escape from.

And if even he’s doing his badly, then it’s no wonder that Fai is cracking.

He’s thought about just rolling over and kissing the mage, finally.

Fai’s made it perfectly clear, since day one, that he’s interested. Kurogane doesn’t doubt that, if he’d just said yes on that very first night, when they were simply two strangers sharing a room, that Fai would have cheerfully let Kurogane do pretty much whatever he wanted to him. Kurogane’s never met anyone so _blatant_ in their interest before. As if the nicknames and the constant touching weren’t already enough, Kurogane spends a lot of time feeling his body heat under the weight of Fai’s constant staring at him. And he knows that he’s not reading any of it wrong.

Fai’s wanted him from the start. And Kurogane could just finally close that distance between them.

But he _likes_ the mage.

And therein lies the problem. Kurogane’s had his share of partners, but none of them had been long-term. It had always been mutually understood that it was just for a night. Just to relieve tension, or to feel some kind of connection before a battle. And even that had started ringing cold after a while. It’s been years since he even wanted anyone. Longer, still, since he actually acted on it.

But he wants Fai, now. And he doesn’t just want him for his body, and those flirty smiles of his.

Fai’s been hurt. Kurogane doesn’t know how, or when; but nobody becomes this quietly suicidal without being hurt. And Kurogane wants to help. He wants to see who Fai really is, buried underneath all those layers of charm and fake cheerfulness.

And it’s more than that, too. Fai makes him… happy, somehow. Kurogane’s still trying to get his head around that. Part of it might be that Fai started pushing up against Kurogane’s walls the moment they met, and never once let Kurogane own gruffness and protective shields deter him; and Kurogane, at this point, maybe likes the nicknames. And he likes, too, that Fai tries so hard to keep the kids safe, even though he’d probably deny it if asked. And he wants to see if he can get Fai to smile at him. Not those horribly fake smiles that he’s always wearing. A real smile, because Fai actually wants to. Because Kurogane’s given him something worth smiling about.

He just… he feels better when Fai’s around. Safer. And maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe he’s being an irrational idiot about all this.

But he _likes_ Fai. And he wants to keep him safe.

Right now, though, he’s not sure how to keep Fai safe from himself. Kurogane’s not sure what kind of demons he’s hiding, but he can see that it’s eating at him, especially now that he has nobody to talk to. Isolation is rarely a good thing, and Kurogane can actually see it taking its toll.

He needs to do _something._ He just doesn’t know what.

\- - -

They’ve been there for a month when Fai suddenly rolls over on his blanket and stares at him.

It’s just the two of them, in their tent. Kurogane’s stripped down to nothing but his pants, because it’s really horribly hot. And he hasn’t missed the way Fai keeps glancing at him, but he’s doing his best to just ignore it. He’s not going to lie here and swelter in his own damn tent just because Fai has been glaringly obvious about how much he’d like to get his hands on Kurogane.

Maybe it’ll give Fai something to think about, too, other than whatever’s driving him mad inside his own mind.

He’s still not ready, though, when Fai suddenly rolls onto his stomach and stares at him, propped up on his elbows. He’s down to nothing but pants and thin shirt, too, and Kurogane feels his face heat as Fai stares at him.

“What?”

It’s a bit of a growl, but there’s nothing he can do about it.

Maybe he should have kept his clothes on, after all.

But Fai just stares at him for a second before he suddenly sits up and grabs his pillow. It’s not much of a pillow – basically just fabric wrapped around some more fabric – but it’s better than nothing, at least; and Kurogane feels himself frown as Fai puts it in between them and points at it.

“What the hell, mage. What kind of game are you playing at?”

Fai doesn’t understand. Of course he doesn’t. But maybe he gets the confusion, at least, because he points at it and says something. It sounds like just one word. And Kurogane suddenly gets it.

“You… want me to teach you my language? Is that what this is?”

Fai just blinks at him. He’s not smiling, and he looks almost… frantic, maybe.

And Kurogane takes a breath before he points at the pillow, his chest pulled a little too tight.

“Pillow.”

For a second, Fai just stares at him. Then, he reaches over until he can grab Kurogane’s sword. Sets it down between them and goes back to staring at him, his eyes still a bit wide.

Kurogane wants to yank him in close and keep him safe from everything that’s hurting him.

“Sword.”

He’s barely got it out before Fai’s already scrambling to find something else, his hand closing on one of their boots, and then on Kurogane’s shirt, as he dumps them in between them, too; and Kurogane swallows and rubs a hand across his face, because looking at Fai is suddenly too much.

Alright. If this is all they can do, right now, it’s still better than nothing.

\- - -

He spends a month teaching Fai whatever he can.

With no shared language, it’s hard to get concepts across, but he can teach him the words for objects, at least. He manages to get ‘yes’ and ‘no’ across, as well, along with a few other basics, such as ‘run’ and ‘please’ and ‘help’ – but that’s about it. Mostly it’s just objects. He’s not sure how much good it’s doing – they’re running out of things to point at, and Fai’s smiles are wearing ever thinner – but it’s something. It gets them through the next month, anyway.

He should have known that Fai would find a way to keep trying to close the distance between them.

It’s the night after a nasty skirmish, and they’ve retreated to their tent, hiding away from the rest of the world. Kurogane’s down to just his pants, again, lying on his back as he stares up at the top of the tent, trying to ignore how exhausted he is; and then Fai makes a noise that sounds like a question, and Kurogane sits up to look at him. He’s lying on his side, watching Kurogane, and – he’s not smiling. He looks somewhat frantic, again, in a way that Kurogane hasn’t seen for weeks. And he barely opens his mouth before Fai’s scrambling up on his knees and crawling onto Kurogane’s blanket, sitting on his knees and staring at him, way too close in their small tent.

It’s like Kurogane can feel every inch of his body come to life.

“Mage…”

If Fai’s deterred by the growl, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he drops his hands and just… points. Points as Kurogane’s leg, fingertip barely touching him; and Kurogane sucks in a deep breath.

He really should have seen this coming.

“Leg.”

He sounds like he’s been crawling around in a desert for days. If Fai hears it, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he nods, and points at Kurogane’s arm. He’s so close Kurogane can feel him breathing.

If Fai tries anything now, Kurogane’s not sure he’ll be strong enough to say no.

“Arm.”

He barely gets it out.

Kurogane wants him. He wants him _so_ badly.

But Fai… doesn’t try anything.

He’s too close, yes; but all he does it point. Barely touches Kurogane, even with how close he is; and Kurogane grits his teeth, and walks him through whatever Fai wants to know. Leg, arm, shoulder, knee, hand, finger – it’s like he’s trying to map Kurogane’s body. Kurogane’s not even sure if there’s anything sexual about it. And by the time Fai nods and goes back to his own blanket, curling up in a ball with his back to Kurogane, Kurogane’s so rattled he can barely even breathe.

He has no idea what just happened, but he knows that he really cares about the man sleeping beside him.

\- - -

Life goes on, after that, more or less.

Fai starts looking more and more frazzled. He stops smiling, even. Kurogane had never thought that he’d miss those smiles. At least it was _something,_ though.

And a few nights later, Kurogane wakes up to the sound of Fai leaving.

It’s completely black, in their tent. They never leave any candles lit when they sleep.

And the only light comes from the flash of the moon as Fai pushes the door open and leaves.

For a long, horrible moment, Kurogane doesn’t do anything at all. He should give Fai his space, maybe. He has no idea what demons Fai’s dealing with. Maybe he should just let him be.

But Kurogane knows a thing or two about demons. And dealing with them alone can be hell.

He’s as quiet as he can be, as he slips out of the tent and moves through the camp. There’s no sign of Fai. A few people are awake, their fires still burning, and Kurogane takes the time nod at a few of them as he walks, but – it’s like Fai’s just vanished. And Kurogane feels his teeth grind.

He also, maybe, has to swallow back an unwelcome little surge of panic.

He can’t overreact now. He prides himself on his rationality. This is not the time to freak out.

It takes him over an hour to find Fai, though, and his hands are a bit shaky by the time he does.

And Fai doesn’t hear him coming.

He’s outside the camp, hidden behind some rocks. The moon’s barely bright enough to see by, but Kurogane hears Fai before he sees him; and Kurogane feels his heart crawl up into his throat.

Because Fai’s crying.

He’s lying on the sand with his face in his arms, and he’s crying so hard he’s shaking.

It’s one of the saddest things Kurogane’s seen in a long time.

And Kurogane should just turn and walk away. He should give Fai his space.

But maybe that’s not what Fai needs right now.

He’s barely moved towards him, though, before Fai instantly freezes; and Kurogane swallows.

“Just me.”

Fai won’t understand him, but he’ll know his voice, at least.

And, for a second, Fai doesn’t react at all.

Then, he tugs his legs up further, curling into a ball and not once looking at Kurogane; and it looks like he’s trying to disappear. Like he’s hoping that the sand will open up and swallow him; and it’s enough to make Kurogane close the space between them, so that he can lie down beside Fai on the sand. For a moment, there’s nothing but the sound of Fai’s ragged breathing; and then Kurogane puts a hand on his arm, and Fai shudders as he curls sideways and presses against him; and Kurogane carefully wraps his arms around him and pulls him close as Fai starts crying again.

“Hey, hey, shh, it’s okay.”

Fai’s sobbing, though. Outright sobbing against him, now, his face buried in Kurogane’s neck.

And Kurogane can’t pull him close enough. His own eyes are horribly hot.

“I’ve got you, Fai. It’s okay. I’m here, alright?”

Fai doesn’t understand him. He can’t. He just curls closer, shaking, and Kurogane wraps his arms and legs around him, trying to crush him in as close against his body as he possibly can.

He might not be able to use words, but he can do this, at least.

And he’s not sure how long they stay like that, curled up in the darkness. Kurogane hasn’t cried since he was a child, but, with Fai losing it against him, it’s almost tempting to do the same. He doesn’t, though. Fai needs him right now. Kurogane can have his own quiet little breakdown later. And he’s not sure exactly what this is. Not sure how much is the possibility of them being trapped here forever, and how much of this is whatever Fai’s running from. Whatever it is, though, he just lies there and holds Fai as close as he can until Fai literally sobs himself to sleep.

It’s as terrifying as it is sad. He wants to wrap Fai up and keep him safe from everything.

But Kurogane has no idea how to fix this.

They’re trapped in hell, and Fai is shattering; and Kurogane has no idea how to get them out.

\- - -

The sun’s starting to come up by the time Fai stirs again.

Kurogane’s limbs have long since stiffened up, and the chill from the sand has worked its way into his bones. And he knows the second Fai’s awake, because he goes perfectly still in his arms.

“Morning.”

Kurogane’s voice sounds rough, like he’s the one who’s been crying. And Fai stays completely frozen, his face still buried in Kurogane’s shoulder; until he jumps like someone’s hit him, with how suddenly he tries to yank away; only for him to freeze again when Kurogane carefully tightens his arms around him. He only does it for a second, before he loosens them again, raising his one arm off of Fai completely, so that Fai – hopefully – knows that it’s his choice. That it’s up to him.

_Stay. Stay, if you want._

He needs _words_ for this, dammit. Or he needs Fai to at least look at him.

But Fai’s pulled so tense he feels like he’s vibrating. This time, when he tries to leave, Kurogane doesn’t stop him; but Fai’s the one who stops. Stops pulling away, and then finally looks at him.

Kurogane swallows and stares right back, raising a hand to brush the hair out of Fai’s face.

“Morning.”

He feels horribly vulnerable, suddenly, as Fai stares at him, his eyes wide. Feels stripped down in a way that he’s never felt before. And he’s pretty sure that he’s never seen Fai look this scared.

Then, Fai swallows and presses his face back into Kurogane’s shoulder, his hands curling in the front of his shirt; and Kurogane closes his eyes and carefully pulls Fai as close as he can get him.

He’s not sure what this makes them, but maybe it doesn’t matter.

Fai’s carved himself a place in Kurogane’s heart, it seems, and Kurogane needs to keep him safe.

\- - -

After that, it’s like Fai doesn’t know what to do.

He can barely look at him when the sun’s up, but every night finds him wrapped up in Kurogane’s arms, clinging on tight like he needs Kurogane to keep him grounded. Maybe he does. And if Kurogane could use words, he’d tell Fai that he’s doing the same thing for him, too.

He can’t, though. They can’t fucking _talk_ to each other.

And then one day there’s a battle that’s nastier than most, and they get separated. Torn apart in the midst of all that bloodshed; and Kurogane can’t find Fai after. He has no idea where he is.

And he’s not sure how long he searches, but he’s shaking by the time he finally finds him.

He’s in an area for the wounded, and there’s blood in his hair, a bandage hardly staying on, where it’s wrapped around his head; and he’s barely looked up before Kurogane’s grabbing him. 

Kneeling down in front of him and wrapping his arms around him as carefully as he can.

He’s shaking. And Fai’s sure to feel how hard his heart is pounding.

“Kuro-sama…”

His voice is soft, and he sounds almost surprised, as he rests his hands against Kurogane’s back; and Kurogane just holds on tighter, an almost terrifying wave of relief making his eyes sting.

_Stay with me. Please. I can’t lose you. Please. Please, please, I need you to be alright, I need –_

The slide of Fai’s fingers through his hair makes him shiver; and then Fai’s tugging both of them to his feet, his skin terribly pale as he raises a hand and brushes Kurogane’s hair out of his face.

Kurogane feels like something inside him is breaking.

And then Fai takes his hand and starts tugging him back towards the main camp area, and Kurogane just swallows and lets himself be tugged.

\- - -

They barely make it in the tent before Fai’s on him.

He can’t quite reach his mouth, but his lips are on his neck, and his nails are probably going to leave marks on Kurogane’s back; and Kurogane is helpless to the groan that breaks out of him.

“Wait, _wait,_ hang on –”

Fai’s response is gibberish, and one of his hands slides down to Kurogane’s stomach, just barely dipping under his shirt to press against his skin; and Kurogane has to grab his hands to stop him.

“You’re _hurt,_ we can’t –”

He knows he won’t make sense, but it still makes Fai stop, though he’s panting as he stares up at him; and Kurogane swallows as he carefully puts a hand against Fai’s head, below the bandage.

He needs to examine him. He needs to make sure that he’s okay.

And based on Fai’s sudden scowl, he gets exactly why Kurogane is trying to stop this, and he doesn’t exactly approve of it. The stubbornness would be endearing, if Fai wasn’t still so pale; and then the noise that Fai makes is close to a growl as he bats Kurogane’s hand away from his head and tries to kiss him; and Kurogane swallows a groan as he shakes his head, grabbing Fai’s arms again, which – hell, they’re both disgusting, too. They’re covered in blood, and Fai is _hurt_.

 _“Stop._ We need to –”

He rubs his fingers through the blood on Fai’s arms and holds his fingers up, and then he points at Fai’s head, like this is some game of fucked up charades; and Fai just glares up at him, still kind of panting, before he opens his mouth – and then he just topples. Eyes rolling back in his head as Kurogane catches him, his heart crawling into his throat as he lowers him to the ground.

 _Fuck._  

“You – you’d better just be fucking napping, mage.”

There’s no response, but his pulse is steady under Kurogane’s fingers, at least; and Kurogane swallows, gathering Fai back up into his arms so that Fai’s head can rest against his shoulder.

One of the healing tents is nearby. They’ll have better supplies than what Kurogane and Fai have managed to scrounge up, at least. And Kurogane’s as gentle as he can be as he holds Fai closer and pushes out through the tent door, keeping his fingers pressed against Fai’s pulse the whole time.

\- - -

Fai spends one night in the healing tent before he manages to escape.

Comes stumbling back to their tent spitting curses as he glances at Kurogane and then stretches out on his bed with a groan, burying his face into what passes for his pillow; and Kurogane takes a breath as he gets to his feet. He’d barely slept the night before, sitting beside Fai’s bed and shaking him awake every few hours, just to be absolutely safe; and he’s not surprised at how exhausted Fai looks now. Kurogane had left the tent just long enough to come back here and look for more blankets, but apparently that’s all the time Fai had needed to manage his escape.

“If you’re going to be here, you need to let me look after you, you know.”

His voice is remarkably steady, all things considered; and when Fai just mumbles something and shoves his face into his arms, Kurogane leans forward and pulls Fai’s blanket up over him. Tucks him in as carefully as he can, and then he goes back to his own bed, reaching for his sword and polish, doing his best to give Fai some space; because he’s pretty sure Fai won’t enjoying any coddling. With how unhappy Fai is right now, maybe it’s best that Kurogane leave him alone for a bit.

The thought’s barely passed, though, before he hears Fai say something.

And when Kurogane looks up, Fai’s cheeks are pink, and he’s lifted up his blanket, leaving room on the bedroll beside him, even as he very determinedly stares at anything that isn’t Kurogane.

It’s an obvious invitation, and Kurogane hesitates – just for a moment – before he takes it.

Puts his sword back in its sheath, and then he clothes the distance, sliding in beside Fai and wrapping his arms around him until Fai’s sighing against his chest, pulled in tight against him.

It’s the middle of the day. They don’t do this in the daylight.

It doesn’t seem to matter, though. And when Fai closes his eyes and starts to drift off, resting against his chest like he never wants to move again, Kurogane just presses in closer and holds on tight.

They’re not safe. As long as they’re trapped here, they’ll never be safe.

But, maybe, even for just for a few minutes, Kurogane can enjoy the illusion that they are.

\- - -

Whatever illusion they’ve been building, though, it shatters after that.

Because Fai spooks.

It’s the only explanation that Kurogane can think of. That Fai comes to his senses and realizes that they’ve been crossing lines that he’d probably never intended for them to cross. He stops crawling in beside Kurogane at night, and he starts finding reasons to not be in the tent with him. Kurogane would normally be pleased with Fai trying to spend time with the other soldiers – it’ll provide him with some more distraction, at least – if not for the fact that he’s doing it to avoid Kurogane. And, after just a few days of this, Kurogane finally swallows his nerves, and tries touching Fai on the shoulder; only for Fai to jump so badly he nearly knocks down the wall of their tent, before one of those horrible smiles pastes itself across his face he babbles something and waves his hands around, all false happiness as he more or less just runs out of the damn tent.

It’s like he’s trying to turn back the clock a couple of months. He must know that’s not possible, but he still seems to be trying, anyway.

And Kurogane _hates_ it.

But he doesn’t know how to fix it.

Because it’s not like they can _talk_ about this. Without words, Kurogane has no way to figure out whether Fai doesn’t _want_ Kurogane, anymore, or whether Fai thinks he doesn’t _deserve_ him. Without words, there’s no way for Kurogane to try to figure out the difference; and the very last thing Kurogane wants is to force Fai into something if he’s honestly changed his mind about this.

Then, after about a week of Fai avoiding him, Kurogane wakes up to find Fai watching him.

It’s the middle of the afternoon, and it’s scorching hot, even inside the tent. Kurogane had only wanted a short nap. And Fai’s hair is so wet it’s dripping. It’s not sweat, though – he must have recently visited one of the bathing areas – and he’s sitting on his own bed watching Kurogane.

He’s also naked from the waist up, and Kurogane can actually feel his control snapping.

“Mage…”

The growl does nothing to deter Fai. If anything, his eyes just darken a bit further, and he bites his lip; and, for a moment, Kurogane has the distinct sensation of being stared at like he’s prey.

Then, Fai slides off his blanket and sits across Kurogane’s thighs, still staring at him.

It’s like all the air’s gone out of the tent. Kurogane’s entire body feels too warm.

There’s no point in trying to stop this, though. They’ve been dancing around each other for too long.

And Kurogane feels his breath shudder out of him when Fai leans down to kiss his neck.

He drags his mouth across his skin, gently, and then flicks out his tongue, like he doesn’t give a fuck that Kurogane’s entire upper body is covered in sweat; and Kurogane’s already groaning by the time the scrape of Fai’s teeth makes him jump. It’s gentle, barely there, like Fai’s just trying to test the water with it; but it still punches the air even further out of his lungs and makes him grab onto Fai’s hair. He’s barely grabbed him, though, before Fai raises his head to look at him, like he’s checking that it’s okay; and Kurogane stares right back, before he finally manages a nod.

Anything that Fai is trying to ask, the answer is probably yes.

And Kurogane might not know exactly what Fai wants from him – hell, maybe Fai doesn’t know what he wants, either – but this, at least, Kurogane can do. They can figure out all the messier stuff later. Right now, Fai’s biting along his neck, again; and Kurogane can at least give him this.

Of course, _this_ would be a lot easier to deal with if Fai didn’t seem dead set on driving Kurogane mad with his mouth alone.

“Are you – are you _marking_ me?”

Kurogane can hear how rough he sounds, but Fai’s lips and teeth and tongue seem to be trying to cover as much of Kurogane’s neck and chest as he can; and then Fai mutters something and settles on just one place, nipping and then licking and then nipping again; and Kurogane’s head is swimming as he falls back on his pillow, his fingers still buried in the damp strands of Fai’s hair.

Fuck. _Fuck._

“Mage…”

The only response he gets is a sharp little bite that his entire body jolting; and Fai’s laugh sounds pleased, even as slides further down the bed and tugs Kurogane’s pants off completely, leaving him naked and breathing hard as Fai just kneels there and stares, shamelessly looking over every inch of him. For a horrible second, Kurogane has the urge to cover himself up – and since when has he ever been shy about sex? – but then Fai’s sitting back across his thighs, leaning down to lick the sweat off his neck and trapping Kurogane’s dick in between them as he does; and Kurogane’s pulse rockets up so quickly it actually hurts, his fingers twisting back into Fai’s hair.

“Shit, fucking – dammit, Fai –”

He nearly misses it – the way Fai stills at the sound of his name – but then he’s moving, again, going back to kissing and biting at his neck, gentle and then rougher and then back to gentle again; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut, a sudden rush of affection making it hard to breathe.

He wants this. He wants this every night.

And he wants to cross all those lines that Fai’s afraid of crossing.

He wants to lay Fai out on an actual bed and whisper in his ear until they’re both aching. He wants to tell him what he wants to do to him. He wants Fai to know how much Kurogane _cares._

For now, at least, they have this. And Kurogane only realizes that he’s trying to tug Fai up for a kiss when Fai jerks away, though he immediately looks guilty about it, his eyes skittering away as Kurogane stares at him; and Kurogane swallows under the weight of sudden understanding.

Right. Of course. Fai’s trying to keep this casual. Maybe he hadn’t intended to be quite so _blatant_ about it, but he’s trying to pretend that this doesn’t mean something.

Of course he is.

But Kurogane’s not sure if can do the same time. He’ll try, if he has to – if that’s really what Fai needs right now – but he’s not sure if it’s really a matter of need, or whether Fai’s just scared.

And he’s careful to keep his hands gentle as he slides his fingers along Fai’s cheeks, not missing the way Fai’s eyes widen, or the way colour spreads across his skin with every stroke of Kurogane’s hands; and then Fai scowls and shakes his head, nudging Kurogane’s hands away and not looking at him as he leans over and starts rummaging through the stuff between their bed; and Kurogane watches him for a second, before he has to close his eyes against the wave of anger.

Not anger at Fai, though. Anger at this whole situation. If they could just use _words_ , Kurogane could sit him down and tell him what he thinks of this attempt to keep things casual.

Because he’s pretty sure it’s not going to work. They already crossed that line a long time ago.

And he doesn’t _want_ it to work. This means something. He knows it does.

And Fai’s barely leaned back over him – he’s got a small bottle between his fingers, now, and Kurogane’s not even going to try to figure out how he managed to get oil for this – when Kurogane wraps his hands around both of Fai’s wrists. He keeps it as gentle as he can, rubbing his thumbs across his pulse-points, until Fai’s lips thin, and he finally looks at Kurogane again; and Kurogane’s stomach turns, suddenly; because Fai looks scared. Underneath the flushed skin and messy hair, Kurogane’s pretty sure that he does look scared. And that’s just not going to do at all.

“C’mere?”

He knows that Fai won’t understand. But he should hear that it’s a question, at least.

And when Fai just stays there and stares at him, still looking like he’s about a second away from bolting, Kurogane slides his hands up to Fai’s cheeks, not trying to pull him closer. He just holds him there, rubbing his thumbs in careful little circles across Fai’s cheekbones, trying to make it clear that it’s his choice, in the end; and he’s pretty sure he can see something cracking in Fai’s eyes.

“Kuro-pon…”

He sounds a bit scared, too; and Kurogane nods, his heart jumping as he brushes Fai’s hair out of his face; and Fai keeps staring at him, before his eyes squeeze shut, and he balances there for one more long, horrible moment before he hisses out something that sounds like a curse as he bends down and kisses him; and Kurogane hears himself groan as something inside him seems to crack.

“Fai…”

Fai snarls something again, and then twists his hands into Kurogane’s hair, kissing him harder and breathing so quickly it sounds painful; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut and does his best to kiss back. Gets his hands on Fai’s back and crushes him closer until both of them are barely even breathing, with Fai’s nails probably leaving marks with how tightly he’s holding on.

Kurogane doesn’t care. Fai can bite and scratch all he wants. He can leave any mark he wants.

And if he thought he’d seen Fai frantic before, it’s nothing to now.

It feels like Fai can’t get close enough. His kisses are shaky and he can’t seem to stay still, and it’s like he’s lost whatever goal he had with this; and it’s Kurogane who finally starts pushing Fai’s pants down, though he only gets them as far as his knees before he gets distracted with kissing Fai again. And he’s probably going to leave bruises, too, with how hard he’s holding on; but maybe it’s okay, because Fai’s scrambling to take his pants off, now, though he can’t seem to look at Kurogane as he does it; and Kurogane pushes himself up on his elbows and bites his lip, only realizing just how shamelessly he’s staring when Fai flushes and glares at him and mutters something that sounds almost grumpy; and Kurogane feels his heart tug as he suddenly gets it.

He's falling for this man. He really is. He still barely knows him, but he's falling for him, anyway.

And maybe, eventually, Fai will give him a chance to know more of him.

“Kuro-rin?”

Fai’s the one looking confused, now; and Kurogane swallows as he looks away.

Shit, though. Shit, he can’t spook _now_ . If Kurogane starts panicking over this, too, he’s going to freak Fai out, and he can’t _do_ that, because then Fai’s going to end up bolting, and –

Fai’s sliding back into his lap, though; and Kurogane squeezes his eyes shut and tries to breathe.

“Kuro-sama…”

His voice is softer than Kurogane can deal with, and his fingers come up to thread through his hair, dragging up his neck and into his hair and making him shiver; and Kurogane manages a nod, trying to pull him closer. It’s not possible, though. They’re as close together as they can get.

And he keeps expecting Fai to try to speed them up again. He’s hard and leaking between them, pressed against Kurogane’s stomach, and he’s back to breathing so hard it sounds a bit painful; but he just stays like that, holding him close and sliding his fingers through Kurogane’s hair as Kurogane tries to calm down. His throat is too tight, though, and he’s having trouble getting air.

And he’s not sure how long they stay like that before he finally manages to unlock his arms from around Fai, sliding his hands down his back, stopping right above the curve of his ass; and Fai’s barely done shivering before he’s sliding down far enough to tug on Kurogane’s legs, trying to tug him back down onto his back; and Kurogane just goes with it, until he’s down on the blanket, again, head back on the pillow as Fai straddles him and reaches for the bottle of oil. His hands look shaky, and Kurogane flushes and tries to spread his legs; but there’s no way to spread them, with Fai sitting on him. His heart’s hammering, though, and he needs to – and Fai must feel him trying to squirm, because he stares at him, and then goes really red, before he opens up the bottle and bites his lip as he spreads his legs wider, craning his arm around to reach behind himself, and –

Oh. 

Oh, that really works, too.

Kurogane might not actually survive this.

Still. He needs Fai to know. This can go either way. Shit, though, he needs _words_ for this.

“Fai –”

Fai shakes his head, and Kurogane tries to shift, again; only to have Fai pin him with a palm on his chest, before he bends down to press a kiss to his lips, so gentle Kurogane can barely stand it.

“Kuro-sama. Yes.”

And – alright, then. That’s… that works. That really works, actually.

Shit, Kurogane’s glad he taught him that word.

And Fai pulls back and waits for Kurogane to nod, before he sucks in a breath, not looking at Kurogane as he swallows and slides his hand back around behind himself, shifting on top of him as he squeezes his eyes shut and bites his lip; and Kurogane takes a deep breath and makes himself stay still, though he realizes very quickly that Fai’s possibly going to drive him mad like this.

Because he can’t see what Fai’s fingers are doing, but he’s getting the play-by-play of expressions on his face. Every twitch, every time Fai bites his lip a bit harder, every time his eyes flutter shut, until he eventually just decides to keep them closed, bracing a hand against Kurogane’s chest and breathing hard as his other hand keeps working behind him; and Kurogane feels like he’s going to crawl out of his skin. His fingers are definitely going to leave little bruises on Fai’s knees, if he’s not careful; but when he tries to take his hands away, Fai shakes his head and murmurs something, though it sounds incredibly distracted; and Kurogane grits his teeth and leaves his hands where they are, his entire body going hot as he watches Fai hiss out a breath and rock back onto his own fingers.

“Fai…”

The only response he gets is the press of Fai’s nails against his chest, and Kurogane swallows a groan, sliding one hand up from Fai’s knee to press against his stomach, instead; and when Fai shudders and tries to lean into it, Kurogane reaches up to slide his thumb across his nipple, instead, his other hand sliding from Fai’s knee to wrap around his dick, spreading the wetness at the top all the way down him as Fai squeezes his eyes shut tighter and squirms, suddenly looking frantic, again, like he doesn’t know what to lean into; but his hand stays behind him, and Kurogane keeps his own fingers moving, watching Fai’s face for the places that make him twitch; and then Fai’s suddenly panting and batting both hands away, his face really red as he wipes his hand on the blanket and shoves the bottle at Kurogane, his chest heaving as he puts his hands on Kurogane’s chest and leans over him while Kurogane reaches down and slicks himself up. His hands are shaking almost too badly to do it, and Fai’s looking like he’s having some trouble staying up; and Kurogane reaches out to brace him as Fai bites his lip and presses down against him, pressing until Kurogane’s just barely inside before he stops again; and Kurogane tries to keep holding him steady through how badly his breath has been punched out of his lungs.

“Okay?”

For a second, Fai just hovers there, his eyes squeezed shut and his nails digging into Kurogane’s knee. Then, he sucks in a breath and sinks down a bit further; and Kurogane can hear his own frantic breathing as he rubs his thumbs against Fai’s hipbones, trying to calm him down, trying to – and then Fai bites his lip on a whine, not once opening his eyes as he raises up, a bit, and then slides down further, and then again; and Kurogane’s not sure how he keeps his own eyes open. He needs to, though. He needs to make sure that Fai’s okay. And he keeps his touch gentle as he wraps his fingers around Fai’s dick, slow and careful; and he feels his mouth go dry at how hard Fai is, even as he groans and grabs Kurogane’s wrist and sinks down the rest of the way on him.

It’s just about enough to drive Kurogane out of his skin. And, from the way Fai’s panting, both of his hands braced against Kurogane’s chest, Kurogane’s not the only one.

He needs to make this good for both of them, though. He needs to make sure Fai enjoys this.

“Yes?”

It comes out croaky, but it’s better than ‘okay’, maybe. At least it’s a word that Fai knows.

And he barely gets it out before Fai opens his eyes, though he looks suddenly embarrassed, as he meets Kurogane’s eyes and then looks away again, his fingernails still digging into his legs; and Kurogane sucks in a breath, going back to rubbing his hands on Fai’s hips, because – hell, Fai probably hadn’t been planning to look at him for this. And Kurogane only gives Fai a moment before he tugs him down. This time, Fai comes without argument, his breathing fucked up as he ends up with his face buried in Kurogane’s shoulder; and Kurogane wraps his arms around him.

_Tell me what you want._

There’s no point in saying it, though. Fai won’t understand.

Instead, Kurogane drags his hands down Fai’s back. Hesitates, for a second, before he presses his lips to Fai’s neck, even as his hands slide down to his ass, close to where they’re joined together; and when Fai groans something garbled and shudders, it’s enough to leaving Kurogane aching.

He’s not going to move, though. Not until he’s sure Fai wants him to.

Shit, if only they could _talk_ to each other.

Fai’s moving, though. Raising his hips, and then sliding back down, his voice broken against Kurogane’s ear; but he barely gets started before he stills, his hips pressed down against Kurogane and his breathing so fucked it’s a wonder he’s getting air at all; and Kurogane takes a deep breath, and then slides his hand down between them and wraps it around Fai, making his own face flush hotter as he does. Fai’s hard and warm in his hand, and Kurogane’s fingers are still slick, and the slide is easy for the all of three seconds it takes Fai to groan and nudge his hand away, before he sits back up, still not looking at him as he raises up and then presses back down; but that’s as far as he gets before he squeezes his eyes shut and stops, bracing himself on Kurogane’s chest and panting. His face is damp with sweat, now, and there’s a dark flush spreading all the way down his neck as he just sits there and squirms, like he’s not sure what direction to go in; and Kurogane grinds his teeth, doing everything he can possibly to stay still.

Because Fai’s not even looking at him, now; and Kurogane can’t tell if Fai’s hurting, or if he’s just overwhelmed; and he can’t tell if Fai doesn’t want to be touched because he’s still trying to keep control over this, or because he’s already too close; and Kurogane needs _words_ for this.

He doesn’t have them, though.

He wants to help Fai feel good, but he doesn’t know how to _ask._

And when a shaky little sound breaks out of Fai and his head drops a little lower, Kurogane swallows and then slides his hands up to Fai’s hips, carefully trying to nudge him up and off.

_Stop me if you don’t want anything. Please, please stop me._

Fai doesn’t stop him, though. Instead, he seems to get it, because he pretty much immediately goes with it, biting his lip when Kurogane slides free of his body; and Kurogane’s careful to keep his hands gentle as he tries to nudge Fai over; and though the noise Fai makes sounds embarrassed, Fai lets Kurogane roll him, anyway, until they’re lying on the damn tent floor with Fai blinking up at him – flushed and wide-eyed – and Kurogane braced over him; and Fai’s barely opened his mouth before Kurogane’s yanking the blanket over, managing to tuck it back underneath Fai when Fai seems to get it, blushing even worse as he lifts off the tent floor and lets Kurogane slide it under him; and then Kurogane lifts up Fai’s legs, again, wrapping them around his waist and bending over Fai as Fai shivers and suddenly can’t seem to look away from him.

“Kuro-pon…”

Fai’s breathing hard, and staring at him; but it’s not enough. Kurogane feels like his heart’s going to beat out of his chest, and Fai swallows when Kurogane slides his hands down the back of his thighs, hiking his legs up higher and sucking in a breath when Fai squirms against him; but it’s still not enough. He doesn’t have a lot of words, but he’s damn well going to use the ones he has.

“Yes?”

For a second, Fai just keeps staring at him. This close, there’s no way for either of them to look away; and Kurogane’s just about to pull back and give him some space when Fai runs a hand up through Kurogane’s hair, eyes tracking across his face as he nods; and Kurogane watches him for a second longer before he reaches for the oil, again, his heart suddenly hammering even worse.

Now is not the time to freeze up, though. And he gets his fingers slick and then reaches down between them; and all it takes is a gentle press at Fai’s entrance for Fai to jump and then groan, squeezing his eyes shut as Kurogane carefully slides one inside, and then two, biting his lip at how hot and tight Fai is, even as he slides and curls his fingers in a way that has Fai’s voice breaking, his teeth sinking into his lip as his head falls back; and maybe Kurogane can leave marks, now, too. He’s careful to keep it gentle as he slides a third finger in gets another broken garble out of Fai, and then he drags his mouth across Fai’s neck, keeping it gentle, too, until Fai hisses something and tugs on his hair, trying to buck his hips up into his hand, his broken stuttering interspersed with desperate little variations of Kurogane’s name; and it’s enough for Kurogane to swallow and let his teeth come out; and Fai’s squirming under him, now. Rocking into his fingers and pulling at his hair as Kurogane sucks a bruise into his neck, with Fai whining out little gasps of _yes, yes, yes,_ over and over; and Kurogane’s just about going out of his by the time he finally pulls his fingers free.

And Fai doesn’t even protest, either. Just falls back down onto the blanket, panting, staring up at him; and then he’s curling up to press his face into Kurogane’s shoulder as Kurogane reaches down to hold himself steady and slowly pushes back inside, losing his air as Fai hisses a low breath against his ear; but he’s not trying to stop Kurogane. He’s got his legs around him, and he’s trying to nudge him closer; and Kurogane just squeezes his eyes shut and presses in, slow and even, until he’s completely buried in Fai, with Fai gone still save for how badly he’s panting; and Kurogane swallows as he braces himself over Fai and waits. Waits, his heart slamming, until Fai nods against his neck, shifting his hips up against him and grabbing at Kurogane’s back; and it’s obvious that he’s hiding, again, and that he doesn’t want to look at Kurogane anymore, but that’s okay. They can stay right like this. Whatever Fai needs, Kurogane will try to give it to him.

And, like this, it’s easy, too, to get his mouth on Fai’s neck and bite as he rolls his hips; and the way Fai jumps under him and then claws harder at his back is enough to make Kurogane groan.

He needs to keep it together, though. He needs to take Fai apart, first.

There’s no space between them, and Fai’s clinging to Kurogane like he’s the only thing keeping him grounded; and Kurogane breathes through the affection, and then gently rolls his hips again, the slow drag making his skin prickle, and Fai’s answering groan enough to make his heart hurt.

Slow. He’s going to take this slow.

It doesn’t take long, though, for Fai to start babbling against Kurogane’s shoulder.

Kurogane doesn’t understand a word of it, but he doesn’t need to, maybe. Just keeps his thrusts as slow and even as possible until Fai starts trying to drag him closer; and Kurogane knows that he’s right where he needs to be when a loud cry tears out of Fai, and then he whimpers when Kurogane braces himself and fucks him a bit harder, keeping that angle, until Fai’s babbling is devolving into whines, his voice breaking when Kurogane starts biting his neck again. He bites carefully, and then licks, trying to think over the heat inside his head; and then he thrusts a bit harder, and Fai’s twisting up underneath him, scrabbling at his back and groaning against his ear.

“Kuro – Kuro, _please_ –”

His voice cracks on it, and Kurogane’s barely done shivering before Fai’s trying to kiss him.

And, for a second, Kurogane freezes.

Fai doesn’t stop, though. Just whispers something and tries again; and it’s like Kurogane can actually feel something inside him finally crack. Fai’s lips are soft, under his, and he’s rasping things right into Kurogane’s mouth, pulling him closer and kissing him and kissing him until Kurogane can’t hold back, anymore; and it doesn’t take long before Fai’s too gone to kiss him, the two of them just breathing against each other; but that’s okay. Kurogane’s lips are tingling, and his lungs are tight, and all it takes is reaching down between them, a few strokes of his hand, before Fai groans and shakes underneath him, curled in as close as he can get as he comes all over Kurogane’s hand, making a noise that sounds almost hurt, his muscles clenching around Kurogane and his chest heaving, little noises punching out of him with every thrust; and Kurogane tries to slow his hips, tries to pull out, only for Fai to whimper and tighten his legs around him; and Kurogane drops his head to Fai’s shoulder as he finally lets himself let go.

Stops holding back, his entire body prickling and the tension inside him pulling tighter; and he ends up finally breaking when Fai slides his fingers into his hair and presses a kiss to the corner of his mouth, a gentle little brush of his lips that Kurogane feels through every inch of his body; and then everything inside him is nothing but heat and white noise. There’s nothing but the feel of Fai’s hands sliding through his hair, brushing against the back of his neck as Kurogane shakes, the strength gone out of him as Fai just holds him close and cradles his head against his shoulder.

And he’s not sure how long they stay like that, both of them panting; but Kurogane eventually manages to pull back and pull out, though he immediately curls his fingers into Fai’s when Fai winces; and Kurogane’s quick to lie down and try to pull Fai close again, still holding his hand. Closes his eyes when Fai swallows and lets himself be tugged, curling up against him; and Kurogane’s very aware of how hard they’re both still breathing, and aware of the shivers that are running through Fai, despite the heat. It’s enough to make Kurogane pull back to look at him; and he’s not sure what he was expecting, but it wasn’t for Fai to be looking right back at him.

For a moment, they just stare at each other.

Then, Fai swallows, and – for a second, Kurogane’s sure that he’s going to leave.

Instead, he bites his lip and brushes Kurogane’s hair out of his face; and Kurogane can’t do anything but stare back, until Fai gives him a shaky little sweet smile – nothing at all like anything Kurogane’s ever seen from him – and then ducks in to rest against him, curling up against his chest; and Kurogane can’t do anything but wrap his arms around him and pull him close.

And he shouldn’t let himself trust in this.

He shouldn’t let this feeling of safety spread through him.

Because this moment can’t last. He knows that it can’t. They’re still trapped here, and this world is dangerous.

But Fai’s not running from this anymore. And that changes everything.

\- - -

Things don’t magically get better. Of course they don’t.

But, at the very least, it’s actually incredibly easy for them to slide into their new relationship. Amazingly easy, even, considering just how long it took them to even get here in the first place.

Fai stops trying to run. Kurogane’s not sure if that’ll last, but, for now, he’ll take it. And they get better at reading each other in a shockingly short amount of time. Kurogane stops holding back, too. All it takes is a few nights together for him to figure out that, if Fai doesn’t want something, he’ll figure out a way to let him know. And as soon as Kurogane figures that out, it’s like any remaining tension about the whole situation just fades; and Fai, too, seems to be realizing that Kurogane’s happy with pretty much anything that Fai wants to do. He especially enjoys the night that Fai returns the favour and has Kurogane panting on his fingers until he finally slides inside, looking a bit shocked, as he does, like he’d never expected Kurogane to want this; and Kurogane ends up shattering so hard the world feels hazy, afterwards. Fai doesn’t even seem smug about it. Just lies there with him, afterwards, pressing kisses to whatever part of Kurogane he can reach, playing with his hair and murmuring things that Kurogane can’t understand; and Kurogane falls asleep in Fai’s arms, feeling safer than he has since the day he was forced out of his own world.

It can’t last. He knows that it can’t last.

The shine is going to wear off, and they’re still going to be trapped.

But curled up in their tent, hidden away from the rest of the world – it helps. And if Kurogane’s started to associate Fai with safety, and with happiness, well – maybe one day he’ll actually be able to tell him.

For now, he can hold him tight at night and keep him safe on the battlefield, and he has to be happy with that.

\- - -

Weeks slide past, and the shine… doesn’t wear off.

If anything, Fai starts doing better, and starts spending more time trying to communicate with everyone. And Kurogane’s not exactly surprised when the two of them are promoted. He’s not sure it if will help them get out of this world, but it’s better than being one of the lowly grunts.

And, in addition to that, it's like Fai starts trying to take care of him, too.

Kurogane doesn't pick up on it at first, but it definitely starts happening. Fai starts finding Kurogane extra food at the dinner areas, and he starts greeting Kurogane with the shoulder massages at the end of the day, when Kurogane's exhausted, with all his muscles worn tight. He makes sure to keep the tent clean and organized, and he starts washing Kurogane's clothes pretty much as soon as Kurogane's done wearing them, and he starts being more openly affectionate, like he knows that Kurogane finds it exhausting to constantly be having to call Fai out on his evasiveness; and it's all enough to make Kurogane start falling even harder.

Maybe they really are good for each other. Maybe they can help to take care of each other.

There are still bad days, of course. Days when Fai can’t seem to be around anyone, not even Kurogane. Nights when he’s tense in Kurogane’s arms, and Kurogane is careful to keep his grip loose, though Fai never actually tries to leave. And then, too, there’s the way that Fai still sometimes gets this glazed-over expression like he’s staring at something that only he can see; and then there’s always one of those horrible fake smiles, whenever Kurogane shakes him out of it, before Fai flushes guiltily, like he remembers that those smile don’t work on Kurogane, anymore; and that’s normally the point at which Kurogane drags him off to find some kind of distraction. Trying to teach him words is still a big one. Because they’ve been here for months and Kurogane _still_ doesn’t know how to get them out; and he misses talking to Fai so much it’s a physical ache.

It’s with that thought in mind that he finally discovers something incredibly useful about being promoted.

He manages to get hold of paper.

Actual paper, and a writing utensil, and everything. Old scraps from outdated maps and military logs, but he doesn’t care. He has an entire stack of paper, and something that he can write with.

And if he comes back to their tent grinning, he thinks he can be forgiven for it. And the confused look on Fai’s face just makes him grin harder, even as he sits down across from Kurogane as Kurogane puts the paper down between them on the floor, smiling so hard his face kind of hurts.

“Alright, mage. Time for us to take your studies up a pace.”

The unimpressed look that he gets makes him snort, and then he picks up the pen and draws a sheep, and a cow, and a book – all things that they haven’t seen since they got here – and then he writes the word for each beside them. Hell, he’ll probably even be able to convey concepts, now. Time, dates, movements, military tactics – if he can write, there are so many things he can teach.

And all it takes is a couple seconds of Fai staring at the page before he’s babbling something and scrambling across the paper to kiss Kurogane, clutching his shirt and pressing their lips together; and Kurogane goes down on his back with a laugh as Fai more or less just crawls on top of him.

“Oh, so someone likes this plan, hmm? Figure we’ll start with –”

“Thank you.”

It’s a whisper, right against his mouth; and Kurogane instantly stops laughing.

He feels a bit like he’s been punched in the stomach, actually.

And Fai’s eyes are full of tears when he pulls back. He’s not even he’s trying to hide it.

And Kurogane’s frozen, until he takes a breath, and cups both sides of Fai’s face as he kisses him, again, keeping it as gentle as he can, his thumbs rubbing the dampness off of Fai’s face.

“You’re welcome.”

He barely gets it out, and Fai just nods, before he slides back out of his lap and picks up the pen, staring at the paper like he doesn’t know what to draw or write first; and Kurogane swallows through the tightness in his throat, a sudden wave of desperate helplessness rocking up through him.

Yeah. They really need to get out of here.

He’s going to start trying to gather all the information that he can. Anything he can find out about this world. If anything, being promoted should be useful for that much, at least. And then maybe he and Fai need to just pack up and start walking. If Mokona’s in this world, then surely someone will remember seeing him. And if she’s not, then, well – Kurogane can’t think like that.

They’re here. They have to be. Mokona, Sakura and Syaoran. And Kurogane is getting damn sick of waiting around and hoping for some kind of miracle.

\- - -

They don’t find a miracle. And he can’t find any information that would suggest that leaving their current circumstances would be anything but a desperate last attempt.

And the only good thing that comes from the next two months is that Fai – unsurprisingly – picks up on Kurogane’s language incredibly quickly. It’s a good thing, too, because, the rest of the time, Fai starts getting his earlier haunted look back, no matter how much time they spend together. Kurogane knows that being together still helps him, but it doesn’t change their overall circumstances. If anything, there starts being more of a desperate edge to their nights together, like Fai knows that he’s starting to crack, again, and he’s trying to cling on to Kurogane even harder, to try to keep it together; and Kurogane does everything he can to help keep him sane.

But it’s been six months. And Kurogane was right.

The shine does wear off.

The false sense of safety fades away.

Because he loves Fai. He's accepted that. And he needs him to be safe.

And Fai can’t seem to get close enough to Kurogane, either. Kurogane’s not even going to try to put a label on whatever the hell Fai feels for him, but he knows that Fai can’t get close enough to him; and, right now, that’s good enough for Kurogane. He knows how much Fai wants him, too.

But none of that changes just how _trapped_ they still are.

No matter how much they care about each other, this place is still hell, and they’re still trapped.

Kurogane wants to take Fai somewhere safe. He wants to curl up with him in a bath for hours, and then lay him out on some giant, comfortable bed, and take his time until Fai’s half out of his mind with pleasure. He wants to spend hours dragging his mouth across every inch of Fai’s skin.

He just wants them to be somewhere _safe._

And the six month anniversary of the day they landed here finds them curled up in the tent, with nothing but a single candle to give them light. It’s a chillier night, for once, and they’re both in several layers, with Kurogane leaning up against their fancy new desk – courtesy, apparently, of becoming higher-ranking officers – and Fai’s curled up in his arms, resting against his chest. His eyes are closed, and his head is tucked in against his shoulder, and he’s drawing his fingers in slow circles against Kurogane’s arm; and Kurogane swallows and presses a kiss into his hair.

Half a year. They’ve been here for half a year.

He _really_ needs to get them out of here.

“Arm.”

Fai’s voice is soft, and his fingers are still drawing little circles against Kurogane.

Kurogane’s throat closes up, and he nods, even as Fai’s fingers slide down to his leg.

“Leg.”

He sounds really shaky, suddenly; and Kurogane nods, again, and tightens his grip around him.

“Yes.”

He sounds about as rattled as Fai. And Fai seems to pause, for a second, before he twists until he’s resting closer, his eyes sliding closed; and the silence hangs for a second before he speaks.

“Nihon.”

It feels a bit like being punched. Kurogane sucks in a breath.

He can’t do this.

“Mage –”

“When we leave. Can us… can we go there?”

For a long moment, Kurogane can’t hear anything but his own heartbeat.

Fai’s eyes are still closed, but he’s gone so tense it feels a bit painful, like he’s ready to bolt.

And Kurogane takes a moment to try to calm his breathing, before he presses his face back into Fai’s hair, his chest twisting up so tight it’s a wonder that he’s able to keep breathing at all.

He doesn’t need a label on this. He doesn’t need Fai to tell him that he cares.

Fai wants to see Kurogane’s world. Kurogane can’t ask for more than that.

“… Kuro-rin?”

Fai sounds horribly unsure, but Kurogane _still_ can’t speak; and then Fai swallows and tries to pull away, and Kurogane tightens his grip, shaking his head and pressing a kiss into his hair; and Fai stays tense for a second longer before he relaxes, sighing as he slides his fingers into Kurogane’s.

“Kuro…”

“Yes. Yes, we – we can go to Nihon.”

It’s a miracle he gets it out at all, and when Fai twists to kiss his chest, squeezing his fingers as he does so, Kurogane tightens his grip some more and holds Fai as close against him as he can.

They need to get out of here. They can’t stay here forever.

Someday, Kurogane’s going to make it home; and he wants Fai right by his side when he does.

\- - -

They don’t find their miracle, though.

The weeks drag on, just as they always do. Fai keeps trying to learn new words, and Kurogane spends a lot of time trying to gather information; but no matter what they, they’re still _trapped._

And Fai’s muttering to himself as they go into a new battle, the air around them tense with the upcoming fight. All Kurogane wants is to magically take them away from here. He needs to get them _out._

He needs to –

“– and it’s not like you’re going to be here forever, you just need to remember that, you’re doing okay, and you’ve got your Kuro-pon, and at some point the others will show up, too, and –”

Something inside Kurogane is shattering.

“– you just need to hold on until – what, Kuro-rin, there something on my face, or something?”

He grins as he says it, before he reaches over to poke him; and Kurogane sucks in a deep breath.

This isn’t possible.

But… apparently it is.

And Kurogane’s not sure what is face is doing, but Fai’s looking increasingly concerned.

“Are you… seriously, what’s with the staring? Is something –”

“I can understand you.”

His voice is a disaster. And, for a second, Fai doesn’t react, and Kurogane can’t breathe at all.

Then, Fai’s eyes widen, and his mouth drops open; and he’s instantly twisting in every direction, trying to scan the area around them, suddenly looking frantic; and Kurogane grabs his arm, and waits until Fai looks at him, his mouth still open and all the colour pretty much gone out of his face.

“We – we need to – how is this – _shit,_ we need to find –”

“Whatever happens, you _stay with me,_ alright?”

“Kuro –”

 _“Promise me,_ Fai. We’re getting out of this. Together. Okay?”

For a second, Fai just blinks at him; and Kurogane feels his teeth grind.

This is important, though. He knows just how little regard Fai holds for his own life, and he won’t stand by if Fai pulls any kind of stunt that would get Kurogane out of here on his own.

And maybe Fai gets that, because he finally nods, his eyes wide; and Kurogane swallows, and gently squeezes Fai’s arm before he drops his hand, craning up so he can see over the crowd.

He’s going to get them out of here. Whatever happens, he’s going to get all of them out of here.

\- - -

It works. They get their miracle.

They get their miracle, and they hardly have any time to breathe while it happens.

It’s only when they all stumble into a hotel in Piffle that Kurogane can finally feel some of the tension leaving him. Fai’s been plastered to his side ever since they got out, hanging off him and talking nonstop and filling the kids in on everything, teasing smiles out of them and asking for their stories; and Kurogane’s so grateful for everything, right now, that he almost feels a bit sick.

Because Mokona’s taken up perch on his shoulder, pressed against him like she never intends to move again; and both Syaoran and Sakura are here, and they seem more or less okay, all things considered; and Fai’s carrying on with them like no time has passed at all, smiling in a way that actually looks _real_ , even as Mokona snuggles even closer to Kurogane; and Kurogane is pretty that sure he could sleep for a year, if not for the fact that he doesn’t want to take his eyes off anyone here.

He’s not losing any of them ever again. Next time, he’ll figure out a way to keep them all safe.

\- - -

Fai books them a room while Kurogane sits with the kids and Mokona, and then they all wander up to their room – two large beds, a decent amount of space, and a lovely balcony – and Kurogane takes a breath before he goes to have a shower. He needs to get clean, and staying in the room would be irrational. Nobody’s going to disappear while he’s in the damn shower.

And if, once he gets in there, he ends up being in there for a bit longer than necessary, standing under the spray and trying to scrub Yama out from under his skin, he thinks it’s understandable.

And Fai’s pushed the beds together when Kurogane gets back out.

He’s lying on the edge of one of them, with Sakura fast asleep beside him, her head resting on his arm as Fai smiles at her and plays with her hair; and Syaoran’s asleep beside them, too, still in his clothes, like he’d just fallen there and passed right out; and Mokona’s awake, but she’s being perfectly still, curled up against Fai with her tiny hands clinging to him as he rubs his fingers against her head; and Kurogane ends up standing in the doorway, utterly unable to move.

He feels like someone’s punched him right in the chest.

“Looks like we're having a bit of a sleepover.”

Fai’s voice is barely a whisper, and the sweet little smile he gives Kurogane makes his heart hurt even worse.

And he has to take a moment before he steps forward, careful to be quiet as he stretches out beside Syaoran, tugging the blankets up over him and Sakura and Fai, until they’re all under the blankets, with Fai smiling at him over the kids’ heads, his hand still playing with Sakura’s hair as Mokona murmurs something and squirms closer to Fai, her eyes slowly sliding shut; and Kurogane can barely breathe, anymore, with everything inside him suddenly twisted up too tight.

How is it that, less than a year ago, everyone here had been a stranger to him?

“Poor exhausted darlings passed out pretty much as soon as they lied down.”

Fai’s voice is still a whisper, and he sounds hopelessly fond, in a way that Kurogane’s never heard from him before; and Kurogane watches him, for a moment, before he lies down against the pillow and slides one of his hands over until it’s resting against Fai’s arm, since both of Fai’s hands are occupied; and when Fai gives him another little smile, Kurogane feels his heart jump.

Kurogane’s pretty sure that he’s never seen Fai this happy.

“Which doesn’t sound like a bad idea, actually. Guessing you’re pretty zonked, too?”

He nudges closer, as he says it, though he’s visibly careful to not bump Sakura; and Kurogane nods, and watches as Fai smiles and closes his eyes, his fingers sliding from Sakura’s hair to Kurogane’s hand, instead, their fingers lacing together as Fai sighs and settles against the pillow.

“Yeah, sounds good to me, too. Sweet dreams, Kuro-pon. Wake me if you need anything, okay?”

Since his eyes are already closed – and Kurogane’s throat is too tight to speak, anyway – he settles for squeezing Fai’s hand in response; and Fai’s lips twitch, before he settles a bit deeper against his pillow, sighing as he squirms to get comfortable; and then everything falls into silence, save for everyone’s quiet breathing, and Kurogane swallows and holds on tight to Fai’s hand.

He should go to sleep, too.

They’re all here, and they’re back together, and they’re safe.

Nobody’s going to disappear while he’s sleeping.

But, maybe, he should stay awake and keep watch for a bit longer, anyway.

Just in case.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone fancies being [tumblr](http://twisting-vine-x.tumblr.com/) buddies, I'm always happy to make new friends. :)
> 
> (Note: my blog will have spoilers for Tsubasa: World Chronicle; so if you'd like to be friends and avoid those, the tag to blacklist is, 'TWC spoilers'.)


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